Every miscarriage is different and there is no right or wrong way to feel about it. Let’s look at how your loss may affect you, your partner and other people in your life.
The loss of a baby during pregnancy can be an unhappy, frightening and lonely experience. It’s not a major event for everyone, but feelings of shock, grief and loss are common. A woman recently shared that she had never cried so much in her whole life. She felt as if she was walking around with an empty feeling where she should have been holding her baby.
Some people find it very hard to talk about what has happened.
How you feel will depend on your circumstances, your experience of the miscarriage and what the pregnancy meant to you.
You might have miscarried in the first few weeks of a pregnancy or much later, or you might have had an ectopic or molar pregnancy. You might have suspected for some time that something was wrong – or the loss may have come as a complete shock. This pregnancy might have been particularly special. And this may not be the first time this has happened to you.
Perhaps there are other issues too – like fertility problems or coping with the loss on your own. You may be worried about your chances of getting pregnant again; or about having another loss if you do. Maybe you are feeling ill or drained, as some miscarriages can be difficult physical experiences.
All of this will have an impact on your womb and you may want to close down or put up a shield. A way to deal naturally with miscarriage is to talk about it, you will be surprised how many women /couples have experienced a miscarriage – allow your feelings. Seek help and support.
Feelings after a miscarriage
All of these things and more will affect how you feel about your loss, immediately and over time. But whatever your circumstances, it is very common to feel any of the following:
- sad and tearful – perhaps suddenly bursting into tears without any obvious trigger
- shocked and confused – especially if there were no signs that anything was wrong
- numb – you don’t seem to have any feelings at all
- angry – at fate, at hospital staff, or at others’ pregnancy announcements
- jealous – especially when seeing other pregnant women and babies
- guilty – perhaps wondering if you might have caused the miscarriage – this is a common reaction however, its very unlikely you did anything wrong
- empty – a physical sense of loss
- lonely – especially if others don’t understand
- panicky and out of control – feeling unable to cope with everyday life.
You may feel your loss in physical ways, even sometime after the miscarriage. This can include:
- feeling very tired
- having headaches or stomach pains
- being short of breath
- finding it difficult to sleep – or sleeping alot
Every miscarriage is different; and there is no right way to feel about it. You may feel upset for longer than you – and those around you – expect.
Some of the ways in which clients receive support with me, include addressing:
- how miscarriage is a different kind of loss – it’s not like grieving for someone you knew. Instead you might mourn the loss of your baby’s future and your own future as that baby’s parent.This can be hard for others to understand and relate to.
- the physical effects of miscarriage – especially the pain and bleeding – can increase your sadness and fear
- why you feel the way you do -often asked is “shouldn’t I be over it by now?” and “are my feelings normal?” – even a very early miscarriage can lead to strong feelings of loss. Perhaps you knew your baby had died but it took some time before you actually miscarried. Even if you didn’t really want to get pregnant, you may still feel very upset. You may feel particularly low if it took a long time to get pregnant because of fertility problems. If you are coping with a miscarriage without a partner to support you, you can feel very lonely. And if you have lost a baby before, it can be heartbreaking to go through the experience again – and again!
- why other people may not understand -it can be hard to cope if people around you don’t understand how you are feeling or expect you to behave in a different way. You may feel criticised and in the wrong if people suggest you should be getting over your loss and moving on with life. When you are feeling low, insensitive reactions and words can hurt. But sometimes people simply don’t know what to say or do. And you may need to tell them how you feel and how they could help.
- your partner’s feelings – some couples find that the sadness of the miscarriage brings them closer together. But grief can put a strain on even the best relationships.You and your partner may grieve in different ways or at different times. One of you may want to get on with life and the other to take time out. One of you may be having a bad day while the other feels better. And one of you may need support when the other feels unable to give it. Your partner may find it very hard if all the attention is on you and his or her feelings are ignored.
- worries about the future – will you manage to get pregnant again – and what will happen next time?